So yep im getting married. and i havent posted anything about it because i was like, well i don't want this to all the sudden turn into a wedding blog and it be all about wedding this and wedding that, but this is my blog and it is about me so i'll be sharing stuff about my wedding because my little heart is so excited i have to open the valve and let a little joy out so i don't explode. me and my physicist have dated for a little over five years now and we are two oppositely perfect matches. He's Science and practically and Im Art and irrationality. it works so well. we balance each other like a scale. he has helped me organize my scatterbrain and i have help scatter his organized brain, just a bit in the right direction both ways. he's a godsend and I'm blessed that he puts up with me. in so many ways we have changed and grown and challenged each other to become better people over these last five years. we sometimes are amazed at where we started. I was just rediscovering who i was after a long period in my life of running from that task. I think i had to find that peace inside my self to be alone with me and like hanging out with me before i could fall into someone else again. i really didn't have much to offer anyone before i got to that spot in life. i was just a person looking for one distraction after the next to keep me from looking at myself. i remember never wanting to be alone, almost a panic feeling of having to find something to do or somewhere to go. its kinda exhausting running from yourself. when it happened and the bottom of my life fell out and all i had was me and god i finally found out the thing i had been running from was the one thing i had been searching for. its tough when the front of the house looks all perfect and manicured for everyone to admire but you open the door and that beautiful place is so full off junk that you would never notice the architecture, i guess i think of a hoarder. like that show where they go clean these peoples houses out and you see them crying over a scrap of paper or a broken rubber band, its that hard to part with each little piece of that junk when they start taking stuff out to throw away. i felt like i was that scenario, but with emotions and deeds and sins being my scraps of paper and rubber bands that I was in the front yard crying about. You hate someone for 7 years and then try to throw that out in one day. Its not going to happen without some resistance, you hold those negative feelings like they are some blanket keeping you warm. I'm a witness that they are not, they are walls of junk keeping you from walking through the halls of your inner self. I had a lot of walls. Something strange happened as I cleaned out myself, i started remembering who i was. I started doing art again and writing in my journal. i found peace being alone in total silence. I found joy in myself. These were things i hadn't done since i was in high school. I'm totally a work in progress so ill probably always be finding closets full metaphorical clutter that i have overlooked or filled up without noticing. So all this long post to say i met my balance, my Nick, right around the time i was cleaning out the second floor of my little inner house. It was perfect timing and it proceeded slow enough for me to get used to the idea that i wasn't the same person going into this relationship that i had been going into others. from the started i made the choice that no matter where things went with us i would be respectful to him. i wanted a different approach at this relationship. i wanted God in it. Its a strange thing when you don't know what that looks like and it starts to happen. i spent the first year trying to figure out why it was so different than my other relationships and why none of the old rules applied. i finally realized i wasn't the same person that i had been. i felt a bit sad for my past relationships because in truth i hadn't been completely present in them. i probably missed out on a lot being so busy at being selfish. I cant wait to get married to my perfect balance. I know its been said a thousand times and sounds so trite but he's my best friend. Ill post few things about the wedding as we go but i wanted to put a little foundation down today i guess. I probably wont turn my blog into a wedding blog for the next six months or anything but I'm sure its going to seep out around the edges a bit. If anyone read this thanks.
Beth
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