Poorly built pedestals of happiness

I wish I could pry your mouth open with both my hands, around your slippery lips and sharp teeth, pulling till I made a little space. And then I'd drop it in, hold your mouth shut till you licked your nose and swallowed. I would watch your cheeks distort and roll into creases and lines as they pulled back stretching toward your ears. Your lips sliding glossy over your gums as the corners of your mouth reached towards heaven. Your round eyes would disappear into little slits of happy sunshine slices. The cervical vertebra slanted backwards with the spinal cords support sending synapses of sunshine straight to your epiphysis cerebri. I wish I could resonate in a tone that shook you with happiness. I wish I could push it on you or pry it into you. I wish I could wrap it up and give it to you and when your cold or lonely you could climb into it like a bright yellow cave. I wish I could shove it so far down your throat you'd never stop smiling but I can't reach your mouth from way up here without falling. Maybe it's worth climbing down to have a better look around your face.

Falling Softly

I see you in between the sunlight
and the moonlight.
In my dreams at night,
you are my just right.
Swinging softly,
push me lightly,
I fly so high,
I dream we both die,
Falling softly,
Pushed so lightly.

Joy

I have joy. It's a rare and precious thing. I see so many people searching for it that I wish I could give them mine. It doesent work like that unfortunately but I have noticed it spreads in small increments to people around you. At a time in my life when I had about a thimbleful of the joy I have now I remember an unhappy person telling me they could feel my joy getting all over them. I wish I could have bathed him in it, i still do, but you can't give it away. It has to be found in the small folded up places inside you. I'm thankful like this life is my second chance. I'm thankful to the point of joy. I believe that's where mine comes from, I find when I'm most humbled and most thankful that it begins as a small bubble and ripples over me until I'm shaking like a bowl full of jello barely containing my smile.

This mansion I know about

So yep im getting married. and i havent posted anything about it because i was like, well i don't want this to all the sudden turn into a wedding blog and it be all about wedding this and wedding that, but this is my blog and it is about me so i'll be sharing stuff about my wedding because my little heart is so excited i have to open the valve and let a little joy out so i don't explode. me and my physicist have dated for a little over five years now and we are two oppositely perfect matches. He's Science and practically and Im Art and irrationality. it works so well. we balance each other like a scale. he has helped me organize my scatterbrain and i have help scatter his organized brain, just a bit in the right direction both ways. he's a godsend and I'm blessed that he puts up with me. in so many ways we have changed and grown and challenged each other to become better people over these last five years. we sometimes are amazed at where we started. I was just rediscovering who i was after a long period in my life of running from that task. I think i had to find that peace inside my self to be alone with me and like hanging out with me before i could fall into someone else again. i really didn't have much to offer anyone before i got to that spot in life. i was just a person looking for one distraction after the next to keep me from looking at myself. i remember never wanting to be alone, almost a panic feeling of having to find something to do or somewhere to go. its kinda exhausting running from yourself. when it happened and the bottom of my life fell out and all i had was me and god i finally found out the thing i had been running from was the one thing i had been searching for. its tough when the front of the house looks all perfect and manicured for everyone to admire but you open the door and that beautiful place is so full off junk that you would never notice the architecture, i guess i think of a hoarder. like that show where they go clean these peoples houses out and you see them crying over a scrap of paper or a broken rubber band, its that hard to part with each little piece of that junk when they start taking stuff out to throw away. i felt like i was that scenario, but with emotions and deeds and sins being my scraps of paper and rubber bands that I was in the front yard crying about. You hate someone for 7 years and then try to throw that out in one day. Its not going to happen without some resistance, you hold those negative feelings like they are some blanket keeping you warm. I'm a witness that they are not, they are walls of junk keeping you from walking through the halls of your inner self. I had a lot of walls. Something strange happened as I cleaned out myself, i started remembering who i was. I started doing art again and writing in my journal. i found peace being alone in total silence. I found joy in myself. These were things i hadn't done since i was in high school. I'm totally a work in progress so ill probably always be finding closets full metaphorical clutter that i have overlooked or filled up without noticing. So all this long post to say i met my balance, my Nick, right around the time i was cleaning out the second floor of my little inner house. It was perfect timing and it proceeded slow enough for me to get used to the idea that i wasn't the same person going into this relationship that i had been going into others. from the started i made the choice that no matter where things went with us i would be respectful to him. i wanted a different approach at this relationship. i wanted God in it. Its a strange thing when you don't know what that looks like and it starts to happen. i spent the first year trying to figure out why it was so different than my other relationships and why none of the old rules applied. i finally realized i wasn't the same person that i had been. i felt a bit sad for my past relationships because in truth i hadn't been completely present in them. i probably missed out on a lot being so busy at being selfish. I cant wait to get married to my perfect balance. I know its been said a thousand times and sounds so trite but he's my best friend. Ill post few things about the wedding as we go but i wanted to put a little foundation down today i guess. I probably wont turn my blog into a wedding blog for the next six months or anything but I'm sure its going to seep out around the edges a bit. If anyone read this thanks.
Beth

A love story: From the top

To understand this love story its going to take a lot of explaining of things that you wont understand. Its worth trying to use words to explain. You have to know things didn't begin the way you know them now. Before man sinned there was no separation from God and mans soul or any unborn soul. We could see him and talk with him, he walked throughout the garden with ease and his notes vibrated throughout the flesh of Adam and Eve and each and every unborn soul. Everything touched everything and all the vibrations were connected to all the souls that existed. There was a note, a sound that God had placed in the fiber of everything and we could all feel and touch it. On top of this each person contained their own note. So every soul had a sound of its own that was made up of the note of everything. This note changed after sin was born. I try to explain this so you'll understand when I tell you my soul fell in love with another soul before time began. I fell in love with his God note. It was so different back then than it is for you now. I struggle with words to explain a sound that no longer exists between a relationship that's incomprehensible. He made a sound that made my soul make a sound that all of creation felt. It was the same for him. The note I was tuned at shook him, and he shook every thing. This is the beginning of a story that will last for eternity and span centuries on earth. It's not a simple thing to begin but it's started.

SCATTERBRAIN LIFE

ok so im having one of those days where there are a thousand things in my head that i need to organize and do and all these great ideas are bouncing around and its overwhelming so thats what i created this blog for is to catch it all.  Sort it out and stay on task.  A way to mange my scatterbrain.  So i have to get it all out and on paper. Its not in order of importance or what i have to do its in order of what pops in my head first.  The organizing it will come later.
* Planning a Birthday Party for my mother and cousin and sister - I have a lot of projects I want to do and a list as long as my arm of things that i want to try.  My mom and sister have the same birthday and my cousin Briannes is just a few days later. We will celebrate them all together. Mine and my grandmothers is later in the month.  October babies. My other cousin Brooke - Briannes sister - called to let me know the colors.  Yellow green grey reds and browns.
* Find Apps for tracking daily expenses and setting up a budget and tax organization app. - Me and my boyfriend are doing the Dave Ramsey financial freedom class and since im a mess i need something to track my daily spending and see my budget visual and daily.  Im the "free spirit"  Nicks the "nerd" so its hard for me and i want to research and find the best app.
* Dinner - Im thinking something easy like salad and chicken fajita meat to go on top.  That way tomorrow we can use the left over chicken fajita meat and make fajitas.
* Graduate Schools - Nick needs to be applying and getting ready to apply to all his graduate schools - I am helping with trying to narrow a few school down that have McNair graduate programs since he has been in the program and we thought it would be a good option.
*  Storage Shed Upgrading -  I have a storage shed that we also use as Nicks study\office.  We do little upgrades to it from time to time to make it better.  It is in bad need of a new door and i found one with the built in shades, really nice for 40 clearance and bought it this week because it was an amazing deal and the doors are the worst part of the shed.  We have insulated it but its a home built shed and the doors don't fit together very good and have gaps and loose the most heat or air.  That is scheduled for Saturday - me and Nick will work on it but I have to go get the lock and door knob re-keyed because I went to Habitat for Humanity re-store and bought them for a dollar and they don't match. I also have to paint them because they don't match. But a great deal so who cares.
* Clean and organize for "New Furniture" -  Nick is moving his room at his parents from down stairs to upstairs to make room for his grandmother that will be moving in part time with Nicks parents.  This means getting rid of stuff and moving some stuff to my house.  My house is small and full of stuff so this means me getting a little more organized and getting rid of stuff.  Stuff coming in:  Corner desk his grandfather built and a book case.  This doesn't sound like much but if you live in a small space you know it IS.  I will have to get rid of my BIG desk.  Its way too big anyway and then organize all the crap that's in it. uggggghhhh. Bookcase: I don't know!

* Make wooden sign for my baby cousin EMMA's room:  this is way overdue I have to do it tonight.

Then there is everyday life. Working out, tracking my food, work.
Ok, that doesn't seem so bad now that I look at it.  See this thing actually works!  I think. I gotta go do life.

Custom Koozie

Yep I live in Southeast Texas and tonight at a house warming party I found this fully custom made koozie. I get a kick out of this life. Of course it's only cool if you have a good nick name like this to write on it.

Give the Squash a chance (A fast, delicious recipe)

If your climate is anywhere close to mine then your local farmers market, garden or grocery store is probably overflowing with fresh tomatoes and squash.  So in the spirit of fresh food and easy fast recipes here is an absolutely awesome one from my Maw-Maw Bobbie's files. If your not a squash fan or have never cooked with squash give this dish a chance.  My boyfriend swore he hated squash and after I coxed him into trying a bite he ended up heating two plates. So if your new to squash or even swear you hate it just give squash a chance.

INGREDIENTS:

~ Ground Meat - 1 to 2 lbs. (I used 1lb. in the example recipe below)

~ Onion - for l lb use 1 small onion for 2 lbs use a large onion or two small ones

~ Squash - the regular yellow is fine,  the fresher the better for taste.

~ 1 can Rotel

~ 1 can tomato sauce

A variation is to use 1/2 can Rotel and 1/2 cup of fresh diced tomatoes.  Do this if you are worried about the whole can of Rotel being too spicy or just need to use up some of those garden tomatoes.

DIRECTIONS:

cut up onion into medium to small pieces.

Add meat and onions to skillet and brown on medium heat till the onions are soft and clear and the meat is brown. I do add a little Tex-Joy Steak seasoning at this point but not very much, a small sprinkle.  If your not lucky enough to have Tex-Joy in your area salt and peper will be just fine. http://www.texjoy.com/

Drain any excess fat or liquid from the skillet.  My meat is local grass fed Longhorn Beef http://www.gentzlonghorn.com/ and is very lean but I still pour the whole wad of meat and onions in a strainer and shake it really good. This is a personal preference so once it gets to the left over stage in the fridge it doesn't have little white clumps in it. The main point is get most of the grease off because we are using the same pan to cook the rest of the squash concoction.

OK, now the magic happens.  Add the drained meat and onions back to the skillet and proceed to cut up those beautiful fresh yellow squash.  They are the star of the show here and we really want them to shine so cut them fairly thick or they will wither away to nothing and turn to mush in the meat.  Not too thick either or they may be tough to cook evenly.  Maybe your can see from the picture about the size but the picture quality isn't that great and some of them are actually a little too thin.

Mix the squash, Rotel, and tomato sauce (I used paste but only because I didn't have sauce, and I improvise a lot.) You can also throw a few fresh diced tomato in it and leave out some of the rotel if you don't want it to be too spicy.

Turn on medium heat.  Wait a few min to see if you will need to add water.  This will totally depend on how juicy your squash and tomatoes are, sometimes a lot of water comes out of them and sometimes little to none.  Eyeball it.  The picture below is before I added water.

Cover and simmer untill squash is soft and opaque.  At this stage you are required to taste test  - yippee  :)

DONE!  Now just try to keep your boyfriend that hates squash from eating it all.

I serve this over rice the way my Maw-Maw always did but we are Cajun meets Cowboy where I live and the Cajun side of the family is know for eating rice with everything.  My point is you could serve it with other things like toasted buttered bread or probably even noodles but I have never tried. Let me know if you do and if its good.  Enjoy!